Thursday, November 01, 2007

Ow

I am a dog's cock, and I am in rather a lot of pain.

When I played squash last week, I pulled what I thought was my groin. Having tweaked it the week before, apologised to my opponent ( Bokke from the French trip, any excuse to get in the bar early) and showered off. Two days later I was due to play golf. Feck this, sez I, there's no way I can walk it, so, booked an old man's buggy. All going fine until the 9th. Unusually, I cracked one down the middle, whilst another member of our group pulled his drive horribly. We all went to have a look, and after deciding it was a goner, rather than walk twenty yards to the bridge to get back to the buggy, I decided to jump the stream. I over extended an already pulled muscle and it bloody hurt. I played the rest of the round with a nine iron and a putter as I couldn't swing anything longer. Hindsight says, 'walk off the course twatto', but foolish pride took over and I still got 28 points, which has got to be acceptable with two cubs for 9 holes.

Saturday. Mum had the boys, we went to a party, got splundered, boogied until 5, and came home. Sunday morning, fuck me backwards with a llama, I could hardly move. On Monday I called my osteopath, who could see me on Wednesday. Everything hurt. I had lost feeling in my left shin, my thigh was grossly swollen and I had fluid on the knee. When I eventually got there, she turned my into the mirror and said with some disbelief, 'I can't believe you haven't seen this. A massive haematoma running from my arse down to my knee. I hadn't noticed, nor had A, bloody odd. The upshot, torn front quad, groin side with the ensuing haematoma at the rear as the blood pissed out with nowhere to go. Nerve damage causing the loss of feeling below the knee, and worse of all, a possible ruptured tendon on the kneecap, which they can't diagnose until the fluid's subsided.

Great, minimum four, possibly six months with no exercise other than walking in a swimming pool. I'll be a right fucking porker, and porky does not suit someone as damn fine looking as me. Its enough to make you want a fag

9 comments:

Brennig said...

Oh bollocks!

Gumpher said...

Indeed. Vastly cheesed off.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Ouch! I'm in agony for you just reading this!

Gumpher said...

Cheers Vi. My GP won't send me for a scan as they cost too much. Wish I'd held back 1500 quid from my last cheque to the taxman.

BottleBlonde said...

Good Lawd, you sound like you've been run over by Rosie O'Donnell in a dump truck!

I hope the doctors 'fix' you!

Gumpher said...

BB, I'm guessing this O'Donnell type is a bit of a swamp hog, if she is, yes, she squished my leg. ( That sounds wrong, no porky piece has ever squished on me, although there was that one time. after going through a lean patch.............)

Emma said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EmmaK said...

oh poor you. you can always try water aerobics, its always full of fat people and always makes me feel better about my figure.

Gumpher said...

Emma, thats the only exercise I can do for 4 months. 4 months of bouncing around in a pool with old women knowing that the pool is full of old women's piss. Can't fucking wait.