Thursday, October 21, 2010


I am properly ill. I have even jibbed out of tonight's game of squash, I am that properly ill.

My wife is a towering beacon of sympathy. Not. She claims that I have a mild case of manflu. Bollocks, this almost qualifies as manthrax, so severely has it debilitated me. I am even struggling to drink beer and smoke fags. I told you it was serious.

I am off to my Mum's in Abergavenny tomorrow night, hooligans in tow. I shall return on Saturday, they won't. It's half term, they're going to stay with Grandma, yay!

On Saturday morning I have more family duties to fulfill. I will call in to see my Grandfather who is now ninety one, and not in the best of health. I hope he's not too confused, Mum says he's had a bad couple of weeks. After that it's have lunch with my Grandma. She's eighty seven, quite sprightly, but has aged noticeably in the past few years, particularly in the ear department. There will be lots of shouting.

In the evening, I'll force myself off my deathbed to attend a cocktail party. This may sound sophisticated. It won't be. It will be all of the usual suspects drinking as much as they can before it's time to leggit home for the babysitter.The only difference being that we'll be getting squiffy on mojitos instead of beer and wine. The men may be wearing slightly smarter shirts than usual.

On Sunday I'll be waddling off my hangover with a training session at the rugby club. Despite my son being away, and despite my manthrax, I will honour my coaching commitment. Grudgingly.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Kids insults

Why am I getting so irritated by the kids using the term 'gay' as an insult?

It seems to be applied to everything,. Gay hair, gay rugby boots, gay cars. It really pisses me off and my two get a right bollocking when they use it. Which doesn't seem to deter them.

Pillock is another current favourite of my eldest. Delightful.

I'm also sick and tired of hearing and reading about some potato faced, slapper shagging, scouse mutant who apparently is struggling to make ends meet on a few million quid a year and wants to sod off to someplace with more cash and a better class of hooker.

I was quite happily listening to an interview on 5live with Ben Fogle when they cut to some puce faced Scottish bully talking as though there had been a family death.

Sodding football and our media's constant frenzy with it is dull, dull, dull.

Now switched to Spotify and Alison Krauss with Robert Plant to accompany the drabness of the year end.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Sometimes, life is good, but there are caveats. See below.

Gumpher on deck, and the beautiful Josh

At times, life is shit

I've just got off the phone after a long conversation with a wonderful friend.

His Mother is dying from cancer. Chemo has stopped working, and she has months to live.

I took my beautiful boy to his school for problem children this morning, as I do every morning.

He cried as I made his breakfast, he cried as we got in the car.

He sobbed his heart out in great gulping heaves and clamped himself to me as I left him at school.

I stopped in a layby, started a Marlboro, and howled like a wolf.

Sometimes, you just have to play the cards you are dealt.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

The Apprentice

It's back again.

Where on earth do they get these people from? Does anyone work with people who behave and talk like this?

Every year, I assume (always wrongly as it turns out) that this time they will weed out the tosser element.

Dan, the chap that got fired. Good grief. 'My motto is JFDI, just fucking do it'. Yep, you went on national television and actually said that. What the hell is wrong with you?

Stuart, the annual 'Little Britain' character, calls himself 'The Brand'. Really, he does, and in deadly seriousness. Don't these people have friends? If I had a chum who referred to himself as 'The Brand' (unlikely) I'd have to tell him, 'Look, mate, you know this 'Brand' thing, it makes you sound like a complete prick. Stop it. Now.

Melissa is a food distribution specialist. Last night's task was to make and sell sausages. When asked if she wanted to be team leader, she responded, 'Good God, no', and then proceeded to spend the rest of the task telling the team leader how she should be doing it. Not in a normal way, in a strange screeching way.

Raleigh is an unemployed undergraduate (PPE, my fave) who is so posh, he actually sounds inbred. I suppose that's what happens when generations of cousins keep marrying. His sole contribution was to go all red in the face and boggle eyed and bray 'Shameful!' at JFDI. I think he'd struggle to clean the khazi in a KFC, so quite why he thinks he qualifies for a position paying 100k p.a is beyond me.

Another of the ladies has a superb pornstar name, Paloma Vivanco. Made up surely?

A few weeks of hands covering eyes, did they really say that? moments to look forward to.

I'm glad Dara O'Briain got the gig for the follow up show. I suspect a few of the fired candidates will have some entertaining piss taking to look forward to.

I'm going sailing this weekend. The Solent. In October. Needless to say I was the worse for wear when I committed to it.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Boys weekend

I have had a weekend based entirely around the hooligans.

Amanda cleared off to a spa with a bunch of chums, leaving us to our own devices.

On Saturday we went to a hill climb. Never been before. Bloody hell those cars shift up the narrow track, mental the lot of them. It was an American themed day, so other than the racing there was a fair bit to do and see. Rather strangely, they had six full sized working daleks there. Strange, as in daleks aren't exactly what springs to mind with an American themed motor sport event. They even had their own race up the straight, much to my Doctor Who obbsessed offsprings' delight.

They both had their first rugby matches of the season on Sunday. Nothing much to be learnt from Charlie's game as they spanked the opposition 59-0. He was very gracious about it afterwards. Some of the guys from the other club are in his year at school, but he was at pains to point out that he wouldn't be gloating as he would be distraught to be on the end of a hiding like that. Didn't stop him dishing out some bone crunching tackles on said mates during the game, he really does love a bit of bosh. Joshie's mob not so good. They won one and lost one. He still plays tag as he's only seven. He sauntered over afterwards an casually announced to Charlie that he'd 'only' bagged three tries. He knows it winds him up, Charlie gets three in a good season, but he is a hooker, not exactly known for prolific scoring.

Monday was a bit fraught for Josh, his first day at the short stay school. He and I had been to meet the staff the previous Friday and had his induction. I was very impressed with the staff and the head, and he professed to be looking forward to Monday. It was a bit of an eye opener. We all went together, as Amanda missed the induction. As we were buzzed into the corridor, it was fairly obvious that there was a child on the other side of the door going properly mental, he even smashed a window. Josh looked terrified. Eventually the child was calmed down and taken home. When we left, the little boy sat at his new desk was subdued to say the least. He ended his day in the green zone (good all day) and was allowed his choice of activity. He chose computer time. I asked why he didn't choose playground time, he said he was scared of the boys who had tantrums.

It's a shite situation for him, but, it's the only schooling solution we have. He's there for six weeks and they have a 91% success rate in successfully reintroducing the short stay kids back into mainstream education. There's only five kids in has class, with two teachers. Worryingly, he is the only child in the school who is not on some form of medication. We're back at the pediatrician again tomorrow. It goes on.........