Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Unbelievable quango fuckwittery

A few months ago, one of the quangos that survived Dave's cuts went into Charlie's school to measure and weigh all of the kids.

Shortly afterwards, we received a letter telling us that he was overweight for his size and age and that we had better bloody well look out or else they would kick the door in in the middle of the night, drag us outside and shoot us.

A few posts below there's a picture of said hooligan number 1. Doe he look overweight to you?

A few days ago, a follow up letter arrived from a 'health improvement co-ordinator' inviting us to attend 'a session which brings families together with children 7-13 years who are above a healthy weight for fun, weekly sessions to learn more, and share experiences of how to eat well and move more.'

Needless to say, my piss went from normal to boiling before I had got to the end of the letter.

Here's my reply.

I would like you to explain why you have written to me inviting us as a family to attend a nanny state event targeted at overweight children.

I can only assume that has something to do with Charlie being termed as overweight in previous correspondence to us.

Perhaps I could give you a bit of background about our family and our lifestyle which might help you understand why I find this letter to be highly offensive.

We are not fast food eating couch potatoes.

Our diet, and the diet of our children is extremely important to us as we all lead a very active life.

Charlie plays rugby three times a week for his school and club. He also boxes once, sometimes twice a week. I play squash two or three times a week, as well as coaching junior rugby. My wife runs most days. Our youngest son plays rugby and football. We all walk our lively spaniel together.

Charlie plays in a specialist front row position, hooker. Perhaps you could look at the build of professional athletes such as Dylan Hartley, Matthew Rees and William Servat and tell me if you think they are overweight? I am of course, assuming you know who I am referring to.

As a family, we take our sport and diet very seriously, and I suggest that you target the recepients of these one size fits all letters a little more carefully in the future, as I am not in the least happy to receive them.

If my son has been placed on some sort of ‘fat’ database, please provide me with all of the details of what information is held, where and why. Rest assured, I do not need some half baked government initiative to teach me how best to feed and exercise my children, and I find it highly offensive to be written to by a ‘Health Improvement Co-ordinator’. It is correspondence that challenges my basic intelligence and ability as a parent.

I look forward to your soonest reply.

If the government seriously wants to help thick fucktards look after their kids properly, at least target the message at those who may need it. Or, if they'd like to save a fortune, give me the gig, it's not difficult, and I wouldn't charge that much.

A nationwide poster campaign along the lines of' EAT LESS SHIT AND DO SOME MORE EXERCISE AND YOU WON'T BE AS FAT YOU BACKWARD LARDARSES should do the trick.


Clare and Gary said...

Do you think if you said walking the Fuckwit Spaniel you would have peeked more interest or ended up recieving a letter from the RSPCA ?

Annie (Lady M) x said...

I love it when you are angry! Fizz bop wham!

But seriously, who were they talking about? ........ Charlie? If yes, they are cheeky fucking bastards. He is by no stretch of the imagination, overweight.

If I was you, I would find out which department sent the letter, pay them a brief visit. And then when you get back home, write to them describing the shortfalls of each member of staff. E.g. Miss G had a fat butt which is linked with cancer, Mr S had a beer gut which makes me fear for his pancreas, and Mrs R was so skinny that I feared for her iron count.

And them invite them all to your house to discuss their problems!

Annie (Lady M) x said...

P.S. I am still feeling mad for you.

Annie (Lady M) x said...

P.P.S. I only just realised that your blog wasn't on my blogroll, so I have just added it.

Gumpher said...

Clare, I fear there is no interest, as I have yet to receive a reply. How fucking rude!

Annie, I wasn't on your blogroll? 'Kin ell women, you're spending too much time looking at middle aged civil servants winkies in the Oxfordshire countryside.

Yes, it was Bean, that fat lad who today had rugby training in his lunch break, did a two and a half mmile cross country run in his afternoon PE lesson, and then played in a rugby match against a local school.

The poor lad is knackered. I'm expecting a letter from some cunty quango telling me I'm a pushy parent.


Gumpher said...

That should say mile, not mmile.

Hooligan No2 spilt yoghurt on the keyboard.

M , a and. are a bit of a problem.

Clare and Gary said...

Sorry, but you made me spit coffee all over my keyboard... Anne looking at middle aged winkies.. shudder

Brennig said...

I guess they're using BMI as their measurement? Write them a letter pointing out the thousands of websites and hundreds of publications that clearly demonstrate that BMI does not take in to consideration muscle mass - it weighs muscle as fat.

Using the BMI scale, body-builders are 'morbidly obese'. Which they're plainly not.

Gumpher said...

Bren, spot on